in sadness we find comfort and familiarity
in sadness we find comfort and familiarity
listening and talking with your colleagues from europe alone and being the youngest and only asian person is really quite something
i had fun. (not extremely fun or anth but i’m glad i stayed on and they decided to speak in english. it was nice.. haha to know them better :) )
1. train rides to salzburg was really pleasant because it was my first time on trains like these and the view was great and i never felt so blissful and at ease with myself. listening to new music looking at magnificent scenery sitting among (mostly) friendly locals made me feel really good. the ride was so smooth
2. meeting people of the hostel and at school coming from kazakhstan, spain, greece, romania, serbia, thailand, iran, different parts of austria, india, bangladesh, vietnam, germany, poland, norway, canada, china.. etc..
3. seeing europe’s architecture (St. Stephan’s Cathedral) for the first time
4. in St. Michael’s Church with the echo and dimly lit candles
5. skiing on alps at innsbruck even though i suck and i kept blocking people’s way I’m sorry ENSHULDIGUNG.. ):
6. it was snowing one day at work in vienna! and afterwards lying in snow on the alps. attempted to make a snow angel but it was TOO cold and windy oh my god i have never seen so much snow in my life haha!
6. quarreling with turban
7. talking to some locals because they are friendly and its rude to ignore even if I’m shy
8. eating pastries in vienna and other good food around europe
9. ice hockey match near our hostel (one of the first nights in europe. taking it all in)
10. cycling for 35km on a city bike
11. freedom to drink any amount of beer as i like hahaha and generally just freedom to do whatever i want
12. seeing shops that only existed in my dreams.. items that i only imagined but never thought existed.
13. being at praterstern amusement park really feels like a teenage movie
14. being really chatty after drinking 4 beers
15. generally the whole experience of traveling central europe with a guy whom you were never close with and whom you grow to dislike.
16. walking around the neighborhood and being in their local malls where there are no true foreigners except us.
.. tbc
1. traveling out of austria for the first time to salzburg, had the biggest quarrel with turban (biggest at that time ha)because i dropped his laptop. i felt horrible but at the same time mad at him because i was looking for the hotel and the locals had been really unpleasant to me.. while he was just complaining he was hungry and tired and he wasn’t helping me to ask around. i felt extremely desperate and helpless. we had been walking around in circles and somehow nobody know where this hotel was. it was raining and cold and my shoes were wet. we had our luggages and we were BOTh tired and he was acting like a kid. i still had patience for him because it was just the starting of our trip.. maybe 1 month in? we ended up at a macs on the main street where mozart lived.. because he said he needed to eat.. but i think he needed to settle down to calm down. we sat by the window. he fiddled with his laptop and check the sides and look at his broken case. his actions got more and more agitated and he punched his laptop “sorry also cannot make it better right fuck” and flared up so much that locals watched but i couldn’t do anything. i can only pretend to be nonchalant. the thought of not having anybody who cares about me near me made me sick. knowing that they are thousands of miles away and that I’m alone with him and he is all i can rely on makes me sick. he said he didn’t want to tour anymore and wanted to go back.. and i said “ok, so we go back then.” we kept quiet for a long while. i continue to be nonchalant by reading the lonely planet book. i focused on finding hotels to distract myself from the situation. i saw 3 hotels down the street which we could settle down in and i told him. he said “whatever la you decide” ok so i decide.. i couldn’t care much about the price because i was pretty desperate to find a place and we did find one but we had to wait for the room. luckily the women at the reception was really nice. it did made me feel better.
we settled down in the room. he slept for 2 hours or so with his shoes on while i cried.
we toured the rest of the day. because we had to tour. because we are suppose to have fun. because i don’t want to waste my parents money. because we are expected to have a great time and i still took photos because i need to reassure my parents that I’m ok. I’m doing great there is nothing to worry about.
2. augustiner brau at salzburg. it was good friday. the bar was so crowded because it was the last day germans could have alcohol. there were several huge ballroom sized rooms with i think about 300+ people. really. they had a nice atmosphere. a guy from innsbruck wearing his traditional costume (actually almost all of them were wearing their traditional costume.. i thought they were waiters at first) invited us to his table because he saw us looking for a table. he was nice.. but he was definitely drunk. some of them started drinking at 3pm. it was nice drinking the best beer i had in the world but i felt out of place. he kept talking to us and telling us about things we don’t know. i felt like an idiot because i was new and i didn’t know a lot of things. he taught us how to get the mug and buy the beers. strong and normal. 0.5L or 1L each time. he even offered us his place to stay if we visited innsbruck. there were other people at the table as well. i remember talking to this guy who looks like he is from one direction. he told me about munich and other stuff which i don’t remember. we had really awkward eye contact. there was two other couples at the table and one other guy who was even more drunk. the couples only talked to the germans. the girl smiled really sweetly at me which i find comfort in because i miss girl company really. but her boyfriend sniggered at me because i spilled some beer while saying cheers. i felt like an idiot AGAIN and i still remember his face. we were there about 3hr or so and it was 11 or smth and they all left for “smoke break” but i think they left to another table. i remember leaving my belongings money and passport in my bag hanging in the reach of at least 100 drunk people. but it didn’t bother me i don’t know why. we had 2 beers each and after sitting for awhile i assume that they wouldn’t be coming back. i told turban that we should go.. that they were just being friendly because they are just nice to everybody. and they probably not coming back. he insisted that they will come back since their belongings are here. it was true that they would come back. but not to us. but to their stuff. i honestly thought they got bored of us. because we are nothing like them.. its hard to find common topic since we are so different. we had a long day.. really. from traveling to salzburg, to quarreling to finding places to stay to finding places to visit and i was tired. i told him i wanted to go home. we should go.. we have to start early tmr. he yelled at me that i always have to spoil the fun and ruin the mood.. he’s having a great time and i always have to ruin it. “ok.. then i can go back first..” “you think i don’t have to bring you home meh” “walao eh” “fuck” the beer was kicking in and i don’t feel like taking shit. i can’t remember everything in between but i remember leaving the bar crying the second time for the day.. i haven’t cried for months and its the second time i cried that day oh god.. i remember saying this is the reason why your girlfriend broke up with you.. i remember walking for kilometers before reaching the hotel. i remember from the corner of my eye, i could see people watching but i was too overwhelmed to care. he said he was sorry but i know he was saying sorry because i was crying in public because he don’t want to seem like a douchebag.
sometimes its really not what you said. its how you said it how you made me feel at that moment. that tone. if i bring you so much trouble why not u travel on urself next time. find your own train your own hotel your own bars. u only know how to say you want to go to this city that city. what have done to GO to the place. you always wait for me to do things to plan to wake you up to prompt you on your work.. but you make it sound like you have to take care of me when you can’t even wake up on yourself. i always have to make excuses for you if you turn up late at work.
3. you smoke so much and it irritates me a lot because it gets to my hair and i smell like cigarettes too.
4. this was at prague. i remember waking up in the middle on the night to your disgusting moans and groans and it was fucking sick to turn and realized that you had ur hands under your boxers. and you can hear it progressing the touching quicken because the room was so damn quiet it was disgusting and i decided to sleep on the floor because we were on the same fucking bed. the next day you ask me why i was on the floor i said you were masturbating in your sleep. you yelled at me again saying that i accused you of things you didn’t do. but i said you were asleep. you said it was impossible. i said i saw it. you said i saw wrong. i said i saw it and i heard it and do you want me to describe the whole experience for you. it was disgusting and don’t doubt me. don’t ask me if I’m sure. i saw it with my eyes and i was sure that you were FUCKING WANKING. you asked me if i know what is masturbating. you said it was impossible and you were angry and you kept trying to prove me wrong.. saying your boxers were not down and all.. but sorry which girl in the right mind would turn and watch and confirm that your fucking boxers were down and you cum in ur fucking boxers.. i got really mad because he kept doubting me. he thinks that i don’t know how is it like and he was DAMN SURE he did not. he says i can’t differentiate. i remember telling him that i would never want to travel with him again because i would never want to witness that ever again and i remember saying that i’m saying this because I’m anxious because I’m angry.
i drank 4 cups of tea because i was anxious like how i was anxious when my mother fainted on the plane while i was alone with her.. like how i was anxious when i see jingen at barbeque soon after our breakup. i hate being doubted. i was so sure. and he wasn’t apologetic about it until i finally got tired of quarreling and i broke down again. “i’m sorry for what you saw OK but i didn’t do it” and he slam the door into the bathroom while i sat at the corner of the room. i climbed out of the window into a balcony with the lousy scenery. all i have was myself. he made me doubt myself again.
i can do better than this
you will see those twinkling lights afar which always reminds me of
thats why i haven’t been penning my thoughts down because i haven’t got coherent enough to
